Know God for Yourself
One day, as I sat in my room, I asked God: “Do you hate me? Because this doesn’t feel like love.” I had been scrolling through pictures of my course mates at their call to bar ceremony, the very moment I had dreamed of for years. But for me, that dream felt impossible and out of reach. My parents had invested so much in my legal education, and just when I was at the finish line, everything was taken away. The NCC’s non accreditation of the law program erased everything I had worked for. A law degree was supposed to take five years. Yet, I had spent twelve years, stumbling through endless complications at every school I gained admission into.
“What have I done to deserve this life? What sin have I committed that is too great to be forgiven?”
My course mates had moved to another school that still had accreditation. The only reason I didn’t follow them was that I was drained, mentally, physically, emotionally. I had nothing left to give. My parents had already sacrificed so much, and I had exhausted them both financially and emotionally.
In my defeat, I wept alone in my room. “I am convinced You hate me. You say the thoughts You have for me are good, does this seem good to You? This is the opposite of good! YOU DO NOT LOVE ME!!!”
I had come to the end of myself. The fight was over. I decided I would no longer pursue a law degree. Then came the temptation. My best friend refused to move on without me. We had been inseparable, and she couldn’t bear to leave me behind. She spoke to her father, a bank manager, and convinced him to offer me a loan to continue my law degree at an accredited school. But this prayer request remained unanswered to this day. Yet, the moment I let go of my ambition, something unexpected happened. I began to experience incredible speed. Doors that once seemed impossible to open swung wide effortlessly. Everything became so easy that I forgot my years of frustration.
I had stood still for 12 years, trapped in disappointment. But in just two years, I had risen to a managerial position managing a 100-million-naira investment, something I never could have imagined because I did not have the experience. At my first job after NYSC, I had my own office, two apartments, an official car, and even a weekly allowance. It felt unreal.
I sat alone in my room and whispered, “What have I done that You love me this much? Please tell me, so I won’t stop doing it.”
Nobody believed that I didn’t have the required experience. I was a tiny little ‘girl’ with 0 work experience and zero social skills. But somehow, I seemed to attract good people because Someone told them about me. I seemed to know how to resolve problems because Someone was whispering solutions in my ears. Someone was showing me things in the dream of the night. Someone was talking to me while I was being asked questions, and I was simply repeating what I heard Him say.
That Someone was Lord Almighty. The Lord is strong and mighty. The Lord Mighty in Battle. The One I had accused of hatred barely two years ago.
Seek to know God for yourself, for in truly knowing comes understanding and from understanding flows love.